Posts
Occasionally try as I may to avoid it, there are troubles in my tiny world. This week has seen it's fair share.
I consider myself very blessed and "lucky" in nearly every respect. I have no real responsibilities, a job that allows me a regular income and enough "tech" gadgets to keep me connected to the cyber world. With the passage of time I have grown more comfortable with my low station in life. While I battle away in a dead end job with no real career prospects, I appreciate every minute of it having lost that ability for so long with a list of medical issues.
This week has driven home again just how tenuous my grip on "health" is. It all started with an incorrect number. The incorrectly noted third digit in my phone number that prevented my doctor contacting me directly. My usual host of blood tests had shown some alarming results....enough to send my endo into a frantic spin trying contact me. With my nominated next of kin out of the country and having not updated my address, things soon got out of hand. When said next of kin arrived back on Monday I received a call to hightail it in to the doctors in the morning.
Cutting to the chase my A1C is all kinds of dysfunctional, there are unexplained anomilies in other areas and I have once again boarded the carousel to medical oblivion. Fortunately I have long ago trodden the path so I am ready for what lies ahead. More tests, abnormal results, no firm diagnosis and the inevitable advice that the damage of years past cannot be undone.
Frankly I'm a little sick of it....truth be told I'm very much sick of it. I have no qualms with medical professionals. I consider myself very blessed to live in a country with an amazing public health care system. I just get sick of always running into dead ends. I'm angry at myself for the years of "diabetc abuse" and getting unwelcome reminders just serves to reinforce that fact.
I messed up and I want a take back....
I want to take back the wasted years. Take back the health that is so far from me. Take back the disregarded advice from friends long ago and start over. Unfortunately the real world does not allow for such take backs. I have made myself a medical bed and I must now lie in it.
I'm tired of getting old. I'm tired of being single and I'm just plain tired.
I'm not sure if there is a solution for every problem, in truth I don't care. I just want to take some time being mad; mad at the world, mad at myself, mad at my boss, mad at my rapidly ageing body...just plain mad
So here I am. Single, mad and tired. Let's see what lies around the next corner..
single, mad and tired would be a great sequel to that movie "must love dogs", don't you think?
ReplyDeletesending good vibes to you from ohio.
Simon, I'm very sorry to hear of this medical oblivion carousal you've found yourself on again. Those are never fun times. While it may not do any good and matter on the medical side in the end, know that so many are here rooting for you and sending good mental vibes virtually your way. I've had some regret on my end, a number of times, and I've found that dwelling on those regrets and "what could've been" just gets me farther off path and not doing what I need to. So, here's to you find some solace in the online wishes, and of course wishes for a smoother ride as things move forward. Best your way, my friend.
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to be mad and tired (and single too) . . . . it's part of the process. BUT then, get that fight back!!!! As you said, there was a time when you couldn't work, and now you can. It turned around, and this will to. You can do this!!!! And you aren't alone, we are all here with you!
ReplyDeleteWe're all here for you! And we know from the last time around that you're strong enough to make it. Keep your head up, whatever happens.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to recreate this scene - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMBZDwf9dok
ReplyDeleteI feel you brother but we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to believe it will all make sense in the end.