Thursday, October 18, 2012

Trouble in Paradise

Occasionally try as I may to avoid it, there are troubles in my tiny world. This week has seen it's fair share.

I consider myself very blessed and "lucky" in nearly every respect. I have no real responsibilities, a job that allows me a regular income and enough "tech" gadgets to keep me connected to the cyber world. With the passage of time I have grown more comfortable with my low station in life. While I battle away in a dead end job with no real career prospects, I appreciate every minute of it having lost that ability for so long with a list of medical issues.

This week has driven home again just how tenuous my grip on "health" is. It all started with an incorrect number. The incorrectly noted third digit in my phone number that prevented my doctor contacting me directly. My usual host of blood tests had shown some alarming results....enough to send my endo into a frantic spin trying contact me. With my nominated next of kin out of the country and having not updated my address, things soon got out of hand. When said next of kin arrived back on Monday I received a call to hightail it in to the doctors in the morning.

Cutting to the chase my A1C is all kinds of dysfunctional, there are unexplained anomilies in other areas and I have once again boarded the carousel to medical oblivion. Fortunately I have long ago trodden the path so I am ready for what lies ahead. More tests, abnormal results, no firm diagnosis and the inevitable advice that the damage of years past cannot be undone.

Frankly I'm a little sick of it....truth be told I'm very much sick of it. I have no qualms with medical professionals. I consider myself very blessed to live in a country with an amazing public health care system. I just get sick of always running into dead ends. I'm angry at myself for the years of "diabetc abuse" and getting unwelcome reminders just serves to reinforce that fact.

I messed up and I want a take back....

I want to take back the wasted years. Take back the health that is so far from me. Take back the disregarded advice from friends long ago and start over. Unfortunately the real world does not allow for such take backs. I have made myself a medical bed and I must now lie in it.

I'm tired of getting old. I'm tired of being single and I'm just plain tired.

I'm not sure if there is a solution for every problem, in truth I don't care. I just want to take some time being mad; mad at the world, mad at myself, mad at my boss, mad at my rapidly ageing body...just plain mad

So here I am. Single, mad and tired. Let's see what lies around the next corner..

Monday, October 1, 2012

There's something about...

There's something about the open road that defies description. The feeling of the ground rushing by under you, of the path opening up around a bend, of sunrise on a distant, unobscured horizon.

There's something about the rushing breeze through your hair on a wind swept beach. The sound of the crashing waves, the deep blue of ocean waters, the yellow sand stretching out for miles on end.

There's something about time spent with close friends. The irreplaceable feeling that someone on this lonely planet understands your messed up life. A moment of connection where secrets are shared and in the process problems are halved.

There's something about music and film that releases pent up emotion. A moving guitar solo, an emotive scene or a poignant silence. There's something about a well constructed song that carries you to a different place. To a moment decades earlier, to a fond memory lost in the distant past..

These are the things that I strive for. Amongst the many unfulfilled dreams that lay strewn across the road of my life, these are the things that make it worthwhile.

I may never arrive, or actually approach a destination but for now I'm enjoying the open road. I'm holding on to each moment. I'm savouring the miraculous and finding meaning in the mundane. I'm basking in the warmth of close friends and awaiting the next twist on the unchartered road ahead...