Sunday, August 26, 2012

A place to call my own

I don’t know where it all began but I continue searching for a place to call my own. A place where I am known and understood and I am me in all of my imperfections.. 

I need a “Cheers” theme song playing here..

Throughout the busy days at work and as I lay myself down to sleep I hear the chorus repeating softly in my mind….


”You want to be where you can see,

Our troubles are all the same;

You want to be where everybody knows your name. “


For as long as I can remember insecurity and self doubt have been my constant companions. I hear their unwelcome footsteps creeping behind me at the most inopportune moments. In the middle of conversation or on the way to meet up with friends, I hear them whisper in my ear. I see my failings and shortcomings amplified as never before and immediately feel out of place and awkward.

Expectations and responsibilities terrify me. No matter how many times I perform a task, I feel that I’m building myself up for a fall; for the unavoidable moment when I am expected to do it and fail. These doubts have been the building blocks of my personal and professional life and they are impossible to shake

I sit in rooms full of people and drift off into another world. I see groups of folks who seem to understand their place and are comfortable with it. People getting on with their lives and making sense of the madness; overcoming adversity
to make a new life and then left to confront the reality that is being me. 
          For a long time I’ve secretly hoped someone would appear out of nowhere with the answer. I am prone to wandering glances and hopeful looks, waiting for that person. As time goes by however, I have learned to live with the uncertainty. I am what I am and there is a certain amount of solace in continuing with the status quo.
So many unresolved questions remain. And here they shall play out….


  1. If you can call anyplace your own, you can call the DOC that - for it matters not where you are, you are accepted as you are - imperfections and insecurities and all. Actually, just like the rest of us!!

  2. First, it's great to see you blogging here now, Simon!! Great stuff. As we've discussed and you know, I feel the same way much of the time. But there can be "that" person represented in some within a group of friends, such as the DOC, even as one continues riding the status quo as needed to get to the next step...

  3. Simon, I think we all feel like that at some point. But questioning everything and wondering what your next step will be is never a bad thing. I think that's how we keep our ambition, no matter how big or small it is.

    I hear you about the insecurities, so I hope you find the balance you need and a place to call your own.

    And since you like life into lyrics, your post makes me think of that song by Dido, Life for Rent.

  4. Your writing is honest and raw and therefore you achieve pathos without any effort. And you are just a really capable writer. I'm not saying this to sound nice, it is what I really think. Insecurity can be a rampant beast, and I know what you mean about it. About hindering finding your place in the world, wherever it may be. And about waiting for that someone to come about and make everything fall into place and make sense.

    Totally get it. Keep on spilling blood on the virtual page.