Monday, April 4, 2011

Single Unattatched male. With baggage

Well, there it is...I've said it out loud..

I carry with me a lot of baggage.

I'm not proud of it, I don't really want to advertise it but it's there. Wherever I go, every conversation I enter into, every blog I read, every song I listen to, my perspective is twisted by unprocessed baggage. From off handed remarks made to me from friends, to insults hurled at me from enemies, I am a slow healer and thus a baggage "accumulator".

For me the scars of living with Diabetes run deep and wide. Like the disease though, the emotional scars are well hidden. I do my best to camoflauge them. I celebrate a good run of blood sugars, I rejoice in a healthy A1C, I even enjoy choosing healthy food once in a while BUT beneath that there are dark shadows. There is the little addressed fact that diabetes is an "emotional" more than physical disease.

Diabetes "messes" with my mind as much as with my body. I am sick of all of the science talk. Carb counting can take a hike. My cholesterol levels can leap from a plane for all I care, I just want it known, addressed by a HP even, that there is an emotional toll being paid by me and I'm sure some of you.

My inner voice cries out "suck it a man" but still the toll remains.

To be honest I don't really know what I want. I don't want hugs and kisses of sympathy from every person I meet. There are millions of others suffereing serious debillitating illnesses who go about their days with cheer and a smile. I don't want an excuse to justify my shortcomings and failings (which are many), I just want to let my guard down once in a while and cry like a baby....cry me a river..cry, cry and when I am done being miserable be miserable some more.

I want to find voice for the hidden pain. I want to let it out.

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