The Struggle

Sometimes the words seem to come at 100 miles an hour at others they are a dribble, a real strive in fact.

When I originally began blogging in October I had so much on my mind...just so much. It wasn’t the normal kind of lifestyle “stuff”, I’m talking more in terms of “baggage” or unprocessed mess in my mind. So much of it was diabetes related. It related to complications that have and still do rack my body, in addition to the added mental stress of a manually operated pancreas. I arrived in the DOC a complete package of …..of…...need.

I understand that some folk have an almost superhuman ability to overcome adversity, whose sense of optimism (or whatever else) sees them push through at any cost. I am unfortunately not one of those people. For me things tend to move slowly. Unlike the words of a blog post which can sometimes roll of the mind, I am very slow at making headway into long standing and difficult issues. In truth sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees and progress is very hard to notice.
Reflecting on a whirlwind six months I am happy to announce that I can see some movement. It is patchy, inconsistent and unpredictable but there is some movement. The emotional dark clouds of diabetes that brought me on line have shown some signs of dissipating but I am all to aware that the wounded dog is often more dangerous than the healthy one. I remain cautious and guarded...uncertain I guess

I am amazed at how so many wonderful people in the DOC have accepted me. In stark contrast to my home environment, I am at my most normal being who I am here...diabetic. I appreciate that the illness is not meant to be definitive but I lived through a long period of denial and found that so much more destructive. The feeling of belonging and connection is, in all honesty, irreplaceable. It is the cool sea breeze after a hot summers day and the last quarter come from behind win from my favourite sports team.

I have posted before about how complications skew my perspective. I feel like I let the team down in a sense by having so many things wrong. I can run great BGs yet the issues remain, worse still I can have body and BG issues running concurrently. Growing up I was always one of the “good” kids in class, I would never have dreamed that by my mid thirties my body would be such a mess BUT those are the facts, now I am trying to move beyond them. I am placing my marker flag down and taking things one yard at a time….sometimes the whole ten is just too far ahead.

For now I am celebrating the great people of the DOC. I am accepting the inconsistencies of diabetes and struggling along with my less than perfect body. I am learning to take my eyes off the things I cannot change and just enjoy what remains, great people, amazing stories and a healthy serving of inspiration.

The struggle goes on but now it is not alone. It is struggle with purpose...struggle to get through to another day to read another story. To discover how my friends are faring, to read of their victories with diabetes and of their struggles, to feel inspired, to feel the heartbreak but most of all to feel the connection.

Sometimes you can't make it on your own. The things nobody told me

Fresh back from a fantastic walk I still have the words from the U2 hit "Sometimes you can't make it on your own" ringing in my head...

"Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone...
Sometimes you can't make it on your own"

Diabetes can be a very lonely illness. It can remain hidden from outside view yet must remain in the forefront of sufferers minds 24/7. Most of us enjoy the occassional day off of work, a public holiday, a vacation...a day at the game where we can leave behind the cares of life. Unfortunately we carry our diabetes with us everywhere. For me my meter, test strips, jelly beans and insulin are never far behind. Wherever I go, they will follow. It's not a choice, not really even an afterthought but a necessity.

Never was the proverb "A problem shared is a proble halved" more appropriate than in coping with Diabetes...never was it truer that with Diabetes, "Sometimes you can'tmake it on your own".

Admitting to a shortcoming is never easy to do. Putting your hand up and saying that something is just too hard can be a humiliating experience at times. I admire people who seem to be able to address all of their issues head on without flinching but I am not one of those people. I have learned to admit it and I am proud to say that opening up to my need is helping to lessen it.

It is OK to admit to struggling with Diabetes. It is OK to struggle with motivation. It is OK to throw your hands up in frustration when it doesn't make sense...sometimes it just doesn't. Sometimes you put your best foot forward, do everything you possibly can and still shoot a 200+. That does not make you a diabetic failure, that makes you normal, yes that's right normal.

If like me at times, you are finding things hard that need not be the endgame. Reach out your hands and ask for help. There are many people going through the same struggles at various points in the journey. There are people out there who understand, there are people out there who care and yes there are people out there to take you by the hand and walk you through what may seem a dense forest.

With so many complications hitting me at a young age I got so down on myself so quickly. I lost nearly all sense of hope and purpose.....then I found others just like me, the same age going through the same complications; some struggling, some triumphing and some just asking questions like "why". Being part of a larger group doesn't take away the day to day physical struggle BUT it does motivate me.

Admitting to a need is not failure, it opens the door to real freedom. There is strength in numbers to overcome, there is strength to help you along today no matter where you are in the journey.

In celebration of the DOC

I don’t know if it’s the blind optimism that comes with New Year but something within me is looking to shout out in celebration

This post has really been six months in the making. In many ways it is just like diabetes management, full of inexplicable contradictions. It is both extremely easy and very difficult to write at the same time. The words flow from my mind in a jumbled mess as I try (probably unsuccessfully) to put them into some kind of coherent prose.

It all began with reading a simple online blog. After a long time in the diabetes “wilderness” post diagnosis I found myself swamped with feelings of guilt and isolation. Not only did I find diabetes almost impossible to talk to my friends about...things just did not always work the way they were meant to. It seemed that I was destined to be a “diabetic failure” always getting things wrong.

My exposure to the DOC showed me for the first time that the feelings of “inadequacy” and “guilt” were perfectly normal in diabetes. From one blog I came across another, then another, until finally I came to the “showcase” the real jewel in the DOC crown...The (US Eastern time) Wednesday evening DSMA Twitter chat with a huge shout out to its fearless moderator Cherise. Here was a place where I immediately felt at home. Here I found tens, even hundreds of people, all feeling exactly the same way as I did, battling with the same emotions, suffering similar defeats and winning similar victories. Here diabetes was talked about candidly and approached with a sense of humor that came from so many great and colorful personalities all interacting in real time.

This encounter however has led me to an unexpected problem in my personal surroundings. Amongst my circle of acquaintances chronic illness is a thing of great shame, a shame that heaped “guilt” on top of the normal problems of my diabetes management. Meeting so many great people online has taught me that there is indeed no shame in diabetes. Whilst it is certainly no cause for celebration, it is nothing to feel “guilty” about. This has left me in a kind of awkward position. I am no longer content to hide my diabetes from those around me. I want the feeling of glorious normality” I get from the DSMA chat to extend to my everyday life...

In many ways my blog has been the first point of connection between me “the diabetic” and the me amongst my acquaintances. Here, alone in my room, I feel I can freely address the good and bad side of living with diabetes on a daily basis. I don’t really know if anyone actually reads what I write but the release is tangible. Writing helps me to feel connected to so many others I have met in the DOC, for I find my words echoed in their blogs and vice versa. Diabetes is truly an illness best treated in “community”.

Insulin and fingersticks may well be essential accessories to healthy living (survival even) but there is no feeling like that of connection. The knowledge that I am not some kind of “freak” or “failure” is one that no medical text book or endocrinologist could (or will) ever impart. The more blogs I read and the more twitter chats I take part in, the more I feel the chains breaking. I am no world beater, (in fact I have faced several diabetic complications) but in “community I am one of many. I am strengthened by the struggles of others, I am renewed by your victories, I am brought to tears with your loss and I am led to uncontrollable laughter by your irony and sense of humor.

The DOC is a place of reality and humanity. As another year begins I am honoured to start it with those of you I have met online. Thank you for accepting me as I am and for the first time since diagnosis in a hospital A&E making me feel “normal”