I keep returning to my high school graduation day and dreaming. It may be the romance of a past era, it might be the words of an 80s track reverberating but no matter what it is, the dream is there...
I remember the mixed feelings of regret and excitement all playing together in some kind of weird symphony....the kind you'd get when an orchestra backs Guns N' Roses.
I want the feeling back that I'm on the verge of a new and exciting adventure. The dream that life could take me anywhere and the hope of developing a new identity.
Strange to say, two decades out of high school I still long to be my own person. It seems that life has just happened to me for so long and I have not been pro-active in making things happen.
Things need to change. Radically
I have never been a fan of change for change sake but it seems there is too much more to be experienced than lives inside my tiny bubble.
Herein lies the problem.
I have a mild work addiction.
In my attempt to rebuilt my life I have spent nearly every waking moment either at work or thinking about getting back there. I'm all for being fiscally responsible but the process is grinding me down and there are moments when I feel I could explode unless something changes.
I like the structure that a busy work life brings. I like planning for holidays way down the track to give me something to look forward to. In fact, I have already enjoyed two of such holidays, one of which I wrote about here. Walking the streets of America and sharing coffee and diet coke with friends are experiences I shall never forget. What I long for is more of that excitement and spontaneity amongst the daily grind.
The mountain top moments must remain but the valleys must be raised.
Onward and upward....
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Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
A place to call my own
I don’t know where it all began but I continue searching for a place to call my own. A place where I am known and understood and I am me in all of my imperfections..
I need a “Cheers” theme song playing here..
Throughout the busy days at work and as I lay myself down to sleep I hear the chorus repeating softly in my mind….
”You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name. “
For as long as I can remember insecurity and self doubt have been my constant companions. I hear their unwelcome footsteps creeping behind me at the most inopportune moments. In the middle of conversation or on the way to meet up with friends, I hear them whisper in my ear. I see my failings and shortcomings amplified as never before and immediately feel out of place and awkward.
Expectations and responsibilities terrify me. No matter how many times I perform a task, I feel that I’m building myself up for a fall; for the unavoidable moment when I am expected to do it and fail. These doubts have been the building blocks of my personal and professional life and they are impossible to shake
I sit in rooms full of people and drift off into another world. I see groups of folks who seem to understand their place and are comfortable with it. People getting on with their lives and making sense of the madness; overcoming adversity
to make a new life and then left to confront the reality that is being me.
For a long time I’ve secretly hoped someone would appear out of nowhere with the answer. I am prone to wandering glances and hopeful looks, waiting for that person. As time goes by however, I have learned to live with the uncertainty. I am what I am and there is a certain amount of solace in continuing with the status quo.
So many unresolved questions remain. And here they shall play out….
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Struggle
Sometimes the words seem to come at 100 miles an hour at others they are a dribble, a real strive in fact.
When I originally began blogging in October I had so much on my mind...just so much. It wasn’t the normal kind of lifestyle “stuff”, I’m talking more in terms of “baggage” or unprocessed mess in my mind. So much of it was diabetes related. It related to complications that have and still do rack my body, in addition to the added mental stress of a manually operated pancreas. I arrived in the DOC a complete package of …..of…...need.
I understand that some folk have an almost superhuman ability to overcome adversity, whose sense of optimism (or whatever else) sees them push through at any cost. I am unfortunately not one of those people. For me things tend to move slowly. Unlike the words of a blog post which can sometimes roll of the mind, I am very slow at making headway into long standing and difficult issues. In truth sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees and progress is very hard to notice.
Reflecting on a whirlwind six months I am happy to announce that I can see some movement. It is patchy, inconsistent and unpredictable but there is some movement. The emotional dark clouds of diabetes that brought me on line have shown some signs of dissipating but I am all to aware that the wounded dog is often more dangerous than the healthy one. I remain cautious and guarded...uncertain I guess
I am amazed at how so many wonderful people in the DOC have accepted me. In stark contrast to my home environment, I am at my most normal being who I am here...diabetic. I appreciate that the illness is not meant to be definitive but I lived through a long period of denial and found that so much more destructive. The feeling of belonging and connection is, in all honesty, irreplaceable. It is the cool sea breeze after a hot summers day and the last quarter come from behind win from my favourite sports team.
I have posted before about how complications skew my perspective. I feel like I let the team down in a sense by having so many things wrong. I can run great BGs yet the issues remain, worse still I can have body and BG issues running concurrently. Growing up I was always one of the “good” kids in class, I would never have dreamed that by my mid thirties my body would be such a mess BUT those are the facts, now I am trying to move beyond them. I am placing my marker flag down and taking things one yard at a time….sometimes the whole ten is just too far ahead.
For now I am celebrating the great people of the DOC. I am accepting the inconsistencies of diabetes and struggling along with my less than perfect body. I am learning to take my eyes off the things I cannot change and just enjoy what remains, great people, amazing stories and a healthy serving of inspiration.
The struggle goes on but now it is not alone. It is struggle with purpose...struggle to get through to another day to read another story. To discover how my friends are faring, to read of their victories with diabetes and of their struggles, to feel inspired, to feel the heartbreak but most of all to feel the connection.
When I originally began blogging in October I had so much on my mind...just so much. It wasn’t the normal kind of lifestyle “stuff”, I’m talking more in terms of “baggage” or unprocessed mess in my mind. So much of it was diabetes related. It related to complications that have and still do rack my body, in addition to the added mental stress of a manually operated pancreas. I arrived in the DOC a complete package of …..of…...need.
I understand that some folk have an almost superhuman ability to overcome adversity, whose sense of optimism (or whatever else) sees them push through at any cost. I am unfortunately not one of those people. For me things tend to move slowly. Unlike the words of a blog post which can sometimes roll of the mind, I am very slow at making headway into long standing and difficult issues. In truth sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees and progress is very hard to notice.
Reflecting on a whirlwind six months I am happy to announce that I can see some movement. It is patchy, inconsistent and unpredictable but there is some movement. The emotional dark clouds of diabetes that brought me on line have shown some signs of dissipating but I am all to aware that the wounded dog is often more dangerous than the healthy one. I remain cautious and guarded...uncertain I guess
I am amazed at how so many wonderful people in the DOC have accepted me. In stark contrast to my home environment, I am at my most normal being who I am here...diabetic. I appreciate that the illness is not meant to be definitive but I lived through a long period of denial and found that so much more destructive. The feeling of belonging and connection is, in all honesty, irreplaceable. It is the cool sea breeze after a hot summers day and the last quarter come from behind win from my favourite sports team.
I have posted before about how complications skew my perspective. I feel like I let the team down in a sense by having so many things wrong. I can run great BGs yet the issues remain, worse still I can have body and BG issues running concurrently. Growing up I was always one of the “good” kids in class, I would never have dreamed that by my mid thirties my body would be such a mess BUT those are the facts, now I am trying to move beyond them. I am placing my marker flag down and taking things one yard at a time….sometimes the whole ten is just too far ahead.
For now I am celebrating the great people of the DOC. I am accepting the inconsistencies of diabetes and struggling along with my less than perfect body. I am learning to take my eyes off the things I cannot change and just enjoy what remains, great people, amazing stories and a healthy serving of inspiration.
The struggle goes on but now it is not alone. It is struggle with purpose...struggle to get through to another day to read another story. To discover how my friends are faring, to read of their victories with diabetes and of their struggles, to feel inspired, to feel the heartbreak but most of all to feel the connection.
The scars that bind
The moments seem to come and go with constant regularity of late. I feel on the verge of making some big decisions and I back away, sometimes slowly, sometimes even unwillingly but nonetheless back away. A step at a time, fast enough to not have to reconsider but slow enough to deceive myself that I never really reached a crossroad.
The baggage is unmistakable to me and I am masterful at hiding it. I dust the shelves to rid my mind of the memories, I sweep things under the carpet, I lock more skeletons in the closet but still they appear. I have “grown” to both expect and loathe their company.
Finding words to lift and inspire when everything seems to be going wrong is never an easy thing to do. I am the first to crawl deeper under the blankets and hide. If I am not hiding well you might find me running...probably sprinting in fact, doing all I can to escape. Familiarity has made me a little numb to be truthful. I learn to live with unresolved issues and problems. I move and shift them around just enough to prevent them collapsing...for one more day. If I just inch that to this side, move this over here, ignore that nightmare low, disregard that unflinching high then I will get through until tomorrow.
If it’s not life in general, it is diabetes, if not diabetes it is life in general. Problems, mistakes, miscalculations, anger, rage and guilt. Bitterness, blame, abuse, self pity and isolation. Just a few of the words, some of the sentiments but they too are imperfect. They hint at the problem, provide an insight but the real words are elusive. They swirl around in some mysterious cloud just out of reach, taunting me to stretch for them, to define them.
If time in the diabetes wilderness has taught me one thing, it is that not much is normal and not a lot of things make sense. My body stands as a testimony to the fact. I share medical wards with people twice my age in better physical shape. They read eye charts I struggle to see. They do exercises I can no longer manage. I fail my own and others’ expectations with monotonous regularity..
These are some of my scars. I have mine and you may have yours. They need not become objects of shame and isolation. They need not be swept under carpets or whispered about in poorly lit rooms. They are part of what makes me me and you, you. When all is going wrong and diabetes makes no sense sometimes all that remains are scars They are the scars of life with a chronic illness and emotional rollercoaster rides but in community they are the scars that bind.
The baggage is unmistakable to me and I am masterful at hiding it. I dust the shelves to rid my mind of the memories, I sweep things under the carpet, I lock more skeletons in the closet but still they appear. I have “grown” to both expect and loathe their company.
Finding words to lift and inspire when everything seems to be going wrong is never an easy thing to do. I am the first to crawl deeper under the blankets and hide. If I am not hiding well you might find me running...probably sprinting in fact, doing all I can to escape. Familiarity has made me a little numb to be truthful. I learn to live with unresolved issues and problems. I move and shift them around just enough to prevent them collapsing...for one more day. If I just inch that to this side, move this over here, ignore that nightmare low, disregard that unflinching high then I will get through until tomorrow.
If it’s not life in general, it is diabetes, if not diabetes it is life in general. Problems, mistakes, miscalculations, anger, rage and guilt. Bitterness, blame, abuse, self pity and isolation. Just a few of the words, some of the sentiments but they too are imperfect. They hint at the problem, provide an insight but the real words are elusive. They swirl around in some mysterious cloud just out of reach, taunting me to stretch for them, to define them.
If time in the diabetes wilderness has taught me one thing, it is that not much is normal and not a lot of things make sense. My body stands as a testimony to the fact. I share medical wards with people twice my age in better physical shape. They read eye charts I struggle to see. They do exercises I can no longer manage. I fail my own and others’ expectations with monotonous regularity..
These are some of my scars. I have mine and you may have yours. They need not become objects of shame and isolation. They need not be swept under carpets or whispered about in poorly lit rooms. They are part of what makes me me and you, you. When all is going wrong and diabetes makes no sense sometimes all that remains are scars They are the scars of life with a chronic illness and emotional rollercoaster rides but in community they are the scars that bind.
In spite of diabetes
Contemplating the greatest thing I have done in spite of diabetes is something I am battling with. I consider the many great things achieved by the many great people in the DOC and I am quite frankly amazed and left in awe. So many amazing people, so many accomplishments... and personalities that seem to leap off my computer screen.
I have come to diabetes via a slightly different road. Initially misdiagnosed as a T2 and having spent a good while avoiding the issue by the time my diagnosis was corrected I was lying almost unconscious in ER with severe DKA and a raft of complications. In my twenties I was nearly blind in both eyes, with severe neuropathy and a range of other issues.
Survival….I admit it is not much of an achievement but my story has not yet ended….I write a new chapter each and every day. I wake with a spring in my step I never had. I open my once near blind eyes and take in the daylight. I hop in my car and go for a drive, I take a walk along the beach at sunset, I let the cold rain wash over me on a humid and sticky day. These are not achievements to hang my hat on. They are not things I plan on sharing with my kids should the time come but I look towards a better day.
For now the story goes on. I have found in the DOC a community of people I love and cherish. I am motivated like never before to preserve what is left in my failing body. Each and every day I “meet” and converse with amazing people doing great things. I drink in their wit on Twitter. I read their blog posts, I hear their voices and I grin, no...I laugh. I look at the person I was and who I now feel I am and can’t help but celebrate.
In all honesty I don’t know if my body will ever be close to what it should be but that is no longer an issue. I am not laying down, I am not surrendering and I am not giving in. I am standing my ground and I am going to move forward. Surrounded and supported by an amazing community the only way is up.
Mine is no fairytale story, you will not find it recorded in any leaflet lying around at your endocrinologists office but it goes on, one day at a time. The introduction and the early chapters have passed and the greatest thing I have done in spite of diabetes I do each and every day….I wake up and when the stresses and strains of daily life begin to flood my mind I look back. I look at the carnage, I look at the confusion, I look at the defeat and I see a new day dawning in all of its brilliance. I see the sunshine, I see the rain and I interact with the most incredible network of friends and support I could ever have dreamed for.
I have come to diabetes via a slightly different road. Initially misdiagnosed as a T2 and having spent a good while avoiding the issue by the time my diagnosis was corrected I was lying almost unconscious in ER with severe DKA and a raft of complications. In my twenties I was nearly blind in both eyes, with severe neuropathy and a range of other issues.
Survival….I admit it is not much of an achievement but my story has not yet ended….I write a new chapter each and every day. I wake with a spring in my step I never had. I open my once near blind eyes and take in the daylight. I hop in my car and go for a drive, I take a walk along the beach at sunset, I let the cold rain wash over me on a humid and sticky day. These are not achievements to hang my hat on. They are not things I plan on sharing with my kids should the time come but I look towards a better day.
For now the story goes on. I have found in the DOC a community of people I love and cherish. I am motivated like never before to preserve what is left in my failing body. Each and every day I “meet” and converse with amazing people doing great things. I drink in their wit on Twitter. I read their blog posts, I hear their voices and I grin, no...I laugh. I look at the person I was and who I now feel I am and can’t help but celebrate.
In all honesty I don’t know if my body will ever be close to what it should be but that is no longer an issue. I am not laying down, I am not surrendering and I am not giving in. I am standing my ground and I am going to move forward. Surrounded and supported by an amazing community the only way is up.
Mine is no fairytale story, you will not find it recorded in any leaflet lying around at your endocrinologists office but it goes on, one day at a time. The introduction and the early chapters have passed and the greatest thing I have done in spite of diabetes I do each and every day….I wake up and when the stresses and strains of daily life begin to flood my mind I look back. I look at the carnage, I look at the confusion, I look at the defeat and I see a new day dawning in all of its brilliance. I see the sunshine, I see the rain and I interact with the most incredible network of friends and support I could ever have dreamed for.
If your life were a movie
If your life were a movie the main character would be inspirational. Yours would be no ordinary tale. It would be rich and complex. A story of heartache, of success and of struggle. It would be the story of all men with a unique twist. It would be intensely personal and yet easily related to. There would be wheels within wheels, moments of suspense, moments of intrigue and moments of mundane boredom.
If your life were a movie it would be a classic. Critics would herald the storyline as timeless. There would be episodes of failure and moments where all seemed lost. Broken relationships and dreams would be scattered amongst life long friendships and fulfilled ambitions. To you the failures would seem monumental but they would teach valuable lessons, they would inspire and they would bring many to tears.
If your life were a movie it would be billed as a blockbuster. It would screen to full houses with advanced bookings required. It would be both an art-house and main stream success. Audiences would leave with different impressions. To some it would speak of overcoming against the odds, to others, the inconvenience of battling a chronic illness and others still would find strength in identifying with the story….all would be right.
If your life were a movie, diabetes would be presented as it really is, sometimes invisible yet always present. At times it would take centre stage, at others it would not even be noticed. There would be high times and low times, success and failure, moments of confusion and moments of lucidity. Within the same story would lie unexplained contradictions and a multitude of loose ends.
In the process of making any movie there are mistakes. Scripts are written and re-written, scenes are shot and re-shot and sometimes in the process, people are hurt. Insults shouted in anger, linger and off handed remarks are taken with more meaning than intended. These are all hidden parts of a long production process. It is a process of refinement, of editing and of fine tuning.
The fullness of your story will never show in the mirror. It is not reflected in any A1C or reading on a glucometer. It is a tale forged from living with a chronic illness. It is learned from bitter experience and harsh realities, in the school of hard knocks. Swinging blood glucose, mixed emotions, guilt and loss are all key ingredients. Those things that we shy away from are what draw others to us. In our battles they find themselves, in our failures they find strength and from our success they draw inspiration.
Diabetes is an unpredictable part of life which requires constant vigilance and monitoring. These are simple truths but they are not the whole picture. The whole picture is contained in the blogs and journals of countless individuals. They are retold in vivid detail and with heartfelt honesty. They are your stories and they are mine. Some are written and many are yet to be.
No... your life may never be a movie. The stories played out in your everyday life no writer would dare pen and no director, dream of casting!
If your life were a movie it would be a classic. Critics would herald the storyline as timeless. There would be episodes of failure and moments where all seemed lost. Broken relationships and dreams would be scattered amongst life long friendships and fulfilled ambitions. To you the failures would seem monumental but they would teach valuable lessons, they would inspire and they would bring many to tears.
If your life were a movie it would be billed as a blockbuster. It would screen to full houses with advanced bookings required. It would be both an art-house and main stream success. Audiences would leave with different impressions. To some it would speak of overcoming against the odds, to others, the inconvenience of battling a chronic illness and others still would find strength in identifying with the story….all would be right.
If your life were a movie, diabetes would be presented as it really is, sometimes invisible yet always present. At times it would take centre stage, at others it would not even be noticed. There would be high times and low times, success and failure, moments of confusion and moments of lucidity. Within the same story would lie unexplained contradictions and a multitude of loose ends.
In the process of making any movie there are mistakes. Scripts are written and re-written, scenes are shot and re-shot and sometimes in the process, people are hurt. Insults shouted in anger, linger and off handed remarks are taken with more meaning than intended. These are all hidden parts of a long production process. It is a process of refinement, of editing and of fine tuning.
The fullness of your story will never show in the mirror. It is not reflected in any A1C or reading on a glucometer. It is a tale forged from living with a chronic illness. It is learned from bitter experience and harsh realities, in the school of hard knocks. Swinging blood glucose, mixed emotions, guilt and loss are all key ingredients. Those things that we shy away from are what draw others to us. In our battles they find themselves, in our failures they find strength and from our success they draw inspiration.
Diabetes is an unpredictable part of life which requires constant vigilance and monitoring. These are simple truths but they are not the whole picture. The whole picture is contained in the blogs and journals of countless individuals. They are retold in vivid detail and with heartfelt honesty. They are your stories and they are mine. Some are written and many are yet to be.
No... your life may never be a movie. The stories played out in your everyday life no writer would dare pen and no director, dream of casting!
Sometimes you can't make it on your own. The things nobody told me
Fresh back from a fantastic walk I still have the words from the U2 hit "Sometimes you can't make it on your own" ringing in my head...
"Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone...
Sometimes you can't make it on your own"
Diabetes can be a very lonely illness. It can remain hidden from outside view yet must remain in the forefront of sufferers minds 24/7. Most of us enjoy the occassional day off of work, a public holiday, a vacation...a day at the game where we can leave behind the cares of life. Unfortunately we carry our diabetes with us everywhere. For me my meter, test strips, jelly beans and insulin are never far behind. Wherever I go, they will follow. It's not a choice, not really even an afterthought but a necessity.
Never was the proverb "A problem shared is a proble halved" more appropriate than in coping with Diabetes...never was it truer that with Diabetes, "Sometimes you can'tmake it on your own".
Admitting to a shortcoming is never easy to do. Putting your hand up and saying that something is just too hard can be a humiliating experience at times. I admire people who seem to be able to address all of their issues head on without flinching but I am not one of those people. I have learned to admit it and I am proud to say that opening up to my need is helping to lessen it.
It is OK to admit to struggling with Diabetes. It is OK to struggle with motivation. It is OK to throw your hands up in frustration when it doesn't make sense...sometimes it just doesn't. Sometimes you put your best foot forward, do everything you possibly can and still shoot a 200+. That does not make you a diabetic failure, that makes you normal, yes that's right normal.
If like me at times, you are finding things hard that need not be the endgame. Reach out your hands and ask for help. There are many people going through the same struggles at various points in the journey. There are people out there who understand, there are people out there who care and yes there are people out there to take you by the hand and walk you through what may seem a dense forest.
With so many complications hitting me at a young age I got so down on myself so quickly. I lost nearly all sense of hope and purpose.....then I found others just like me, the same age going through the same complications; some struggling, some triumphing and some just asking questions like "why". Being part of a larger group doesn't take away the day to day physical struggle BUT it does motivate me.
Admitting to a need is not failure, it opens the door to real freedom. There is strength in numbers to overcome, there is strength to help you along today no matter where you are in the journey.
"Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone...
Sometimes you can't make it on your own"
Diabetes can be a very lonely illness. It can remain hidden from outside view yet must remain in the forefront of sufferers minds 24/7. Most of us enjoy the occassional day off of work, a public holiday, a vacation...a day at the game where we can leave behind the cares of life. Unfortunately we carry our diabetes with us everywhere. For me my meter, test strips, jelly beans and insulin are never far behind. Wherever I go, they will follow. It's not a choice, not really even an afterthought but a necessity.
Never was the proverb "A problem shared is a proble halved" more appropriate than in coping with Diabetes...never was it truer that with Diabetes, "Sometimes you can'tmake it on your own".
Admitting to a shortcoming is never easy to do. Putting your hand up and saying that something is just too hard can be a humiliating experience at times. I admire people who seem to be able to address all of their issues head on without flinching but I am not one of those people. I have learned to admit it and I am proud to say that opening up to my need is helping to lessen it.
It is OK to admit to struggling with Diabetes. It is OK to struggle with motivation. It is OK to throw your hands up in frustration when it doesn't make sense...sometimes it just doesn't. Sometimes you put your best foot forward, do everything you possibly can and still shoot a 200+. That does not make you a diabetic failure, that makes you normal, yes that's right normal.
If like me at times, you are finding things hard that need not be the endgame. Reach out your hands and ask for help. There are many people going through the same struggles at various points in the journey. There are people out there who understand, there are people out there who care and yes there are people out there to take you by the hand and walk you through what may seem a dense forest.
With so many complications hitting me at a young age I got so down on myself so quickly. I lost nearly all sense of hope and purpose.....then I found others just like me, the same age going through the same complications; some struggling, some triumphing and some just asking questions like "why". Being part of a larger group doesn't take away the day to day physical struggle BUT it does motivate me.
Admitting to a need is not failure, it opens the door to real freedom. There is strength in numbers to overcome, there is strength to help you along today no matter where you are in the journey.
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